Today I should be holding my baby......

Today is Sept 18th, My EDD (estimated due date) I should be holding my healthy newborn. I'm not. For the over the last 7 months I have dreaded this day. I so wanted to be pregnant by this day. Oh wait.. I technically I am. Just instead of looking forward to giving birth, I waiting to either miscarry or schedule a d/c. Maybe I should have prayed for a healthy pregnancy that yielded a healthy baby, instead of just praying so vaguely, Yes you feel anger when you read this. I hurt as I type. And I am in total disbelief that people are still so ignorant to the pain of loss... recurrent loss. But again just like always I sit alone. Alone I cry, Alone I mourn, Alone in this journey. I am a bitch, I am an ass hole.. Since I don't want to hear about your baby, your child, your stories of other babies, about your happy times holding a newborn or taking your child out. I'm sorry at this point in time I can't be happy for you, your family, your newborn. I don't want to think about the happy people in the world, When I sit here hurting, hurting more than I ever thought I could. Feeling so alone, Standing in a crowd of people and feeling the loneliest I ever have. I have to look at this date, this week for the rest of my life knowing what this date is. If you can't support me, right now, when I need you the most. I would be rather be alone.

We are like clay... we are born like a fresh perfect square right out of the box.... every hurt, every accomplishment, every loss, every gain.... we are molded... some strokes are softer and don't change you much, others are deep, drastically changing you and these "strokes", change you forever, while you make adjustments to learn to live the new you, that is what it is... the "new you". You will never be the "old you" You will never be able to go back to the "you, you were". Your clay has been changed. You may not be happy with the new you, you may not like the new you, you may want the old you back. But once your clay has been touched, you can never go back to the way it was.

Precious, Tiny Sweet One
Author: Unknown

Precious tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.

We never had the chance to play
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to your giggle.

I'll always be your mother
He will always be your dad
You will always be our child
The child that we had.

But now you're gone but yet you're here
We'll sense you everywhere
You are our sorrow and our joy
There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong
We'll forget you never
The child we had, but never had
And yet will have forever.

Blood Results....

I knew their was a problem... With out getting into to much TMI info ... My body is not doing what it is supposed to do. SURPRISE.... Over the last 11 months my body has done nothing right. Why would I think this would be any different? I went in for blood work yesterday since I knew my levels were not dropping like they should. On Friday my HCG numbers (these are the numbers that make a pregnancy test +) In a healthy pregnancy these numbers should double every 24 hours. My numbers failed to double... when this happens miscarriage is most likely eminent. On Monday Aug 31 they were 91... had tripled in two days when I had my blood drawn on Friday they were 31... So all was well. When I went back Friday... they had only risen 2 points to 93. Hoping my body would do this naturally... this past week not much happened... not enough (I knew), I got the call today... I am only down to 56. They will give my body one more week. I have to go back for more blood work next week. If they are not down dramatically I will be scheduled for yet another d/c. Well I guess I should be glad they didn't want to do the d/c this Friday... How horrible would that be... My due date for my second loss and a d/c for my third loss.

It is so hard to look back at July 14th my first due date..... September 18th my second due date and now May 10th... What would have been my birthday baby. Gone are these dreams.. Gone.

Loss a Poem

This was posted on my support group.......

There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will not be better because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have to struggle to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of a child, knowing I can comfort, hold and feed him, and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot, or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.

I count myself lucky in a sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I Have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, I mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.

Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.

My Shoes...

I am wearing a pair of shoes.They are ugly shoes.Uncomfortable shoes.I hate my shoes.Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.Yet, I continue to wear them.I get funny looks wearing these shoes.They are looks of sympathy.I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and nottheirs.They never talk about my shoes.To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.There are many pairs in this world.Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite somuch.Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they thinkabout how much they hurt.No woman deserves to wear these shoes.Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.They have made me who I am.I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.

What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss: A letter from women to their friends and family By: Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer


When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar.

The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.

This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.

When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.

**Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.

**Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.

**Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.

**Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?

**Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.

**Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.

**Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.

**Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.

**Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.

**Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died" or "when I was pregnant" don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.

**Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.

**Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.

~Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.

~Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.

~Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.

If you're my boss or my co-worker:

~Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.

~Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.

Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."

Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.

Sleep....

I am exhausted. Mentally drained from the last 11 months. 11 months - 3 losses that equals a loss every 3.6 months a total of 17 wks that I was pregnant between the 3 losses. When you break it down... it doesn't look like much, but numbers. I guess to the majority of people it isn't much. If you don't have a big belly... and loose a baby.. its not a baby. I guess it's like if you loose your baby at 2 months to SIDS it is nothing compared to loosing a child at 7 years? Its not like you got to know that baby? Right? NO! you say, Oh I'm wrong? Really? Than why is it different for me? Why can I be dismissed. Why can my loss, hurt, anger and sadness mean so little? A child is child no matter what age right? Or is only if you can see it and feel it? Well I did see it and feel it. I saw those two beautiful lines, I saw that little beating heart, I felt the morning sickness, the sore boobs, the bloating. Just because it was not your sight or you feeling... doesn't mean it wasn't real. That I didn't have dreams and hopes from the first sight of those two lines. That I didn't have names picked out, trips planned, and books to read. But I guess I am wrong. We are a tactile society... if you can't see it, and touch it, it doesn't exist. Well your wrong. It was real...It is like, Love.. you know Love is real you can't touch it, or see it. But it is real. I had love for those babies. My babies. My Angel Babies.

September

September has never had much meaning... it was the start of school or the end of summer.. yes. But on a person level.. no. Just another month. Until this year. September will forever mean to me, loss. September 18th would of been my EDD (estimated due date) for my second loss. And now it will be my Angelversary for my third loss. I am waiting to have my third miscarriage. The loss of my third baby. If you have never been through a loss. You will never be able understand. To comprehend the pain of loss. The hurt, both physically and mentally. The constant reminder of what will never be, every were you turn. The people who make comments that never know the sting you feel. The lack of understanding of how simple things to them, cut like a knife to you. I want to avoid people at all cost, I don't want to watch tv, I don't want to leave my house. All these things remind me of what will never be mine. If you take notice in one hour of tv, leaving your house or listening to people talk.. you will babies, pregnancy, and the combination of the two multiple times. While a person who has not experienced a loss.. will not pick up on this. But those of who have... we want to scream! To others... baby showers don't mean anything but happiness of a new life.. to us, the one that have lost. It is a painful reminder, a stab in the chest, a kick in the gut, slap in face.. do you get it? No one who has experienced a loss should have to go to one when they are not ready. But others who don't know... it doesn't matter to them. I guess you should just suck it up and deal with it. Walking by the pile of baby things... I can't even walk by the baby stuff in the store. When I pass someone who is pregnant... or sit next to someone at work scratching their belly.. I want to scream. When I hear a pregnant woman complaining about her pregnancy.. I want to scream.. at least you have your pregnancy. So I sit here, waiting to miscarry yet again. And think why? Why has this happened yet again. I have people that want to talk... I don't want to. I don't want to think about this, and you know they might not ask.. but it is in the back of their head. They want to know I am ok.... Am I ok?? NO I'm not ok.. Is that what you want to hear? No, you want me to say I'm fine, so you can feel better. I just lost yet another baby, Would you be ok? Would you be fine? I think not. I know you have questions.. don't you think I do??? I have more questions than you... questions that I will never have answers to. Not only do I have questions... but I feel like a failure. I am angry, I am sad, so many emotions.. I can't even begin to put into words. I don't want to have to defend myself. I don't want to make you feel better. I don't want to have to protect myself from comments that I know will be said. I don't want to explain yet again something that everyone in my life can not understand since only a few people (3) that I speak to have experienced. I hope this helps the "you" reading this understand why I am not responding to your messages and texts... I will when I am ready. When that will be... I don't know. But I am not ready yet.