Should I be happy for 2010, since 2009 was such a shitty year? Lets go back a year ago today... I sat here thinking.. Come on 2009... Since I had just had my first miscarriage. So here it is less than a week away from 2010... do I want it to come? Can this coming year be worse than last year? Or will it be better... Can it be better? The last 352 day.. 2 additional miscarriages, the ups and downs of the hormones, Having a surgery due to one of the miscarriages, the cracking and surgical removal of a tooth they hit while in surgery for my d/e, the death of my grandmother, Being told I have lung nodule that they will have to follow, Being told I have a clotting disorder.. I will be forever on Baby aspirin daily. Is that enough? I will stop listing.... All I can say this year has SUCKED......
So where do we go from here? On to 2010... I really don't have a choice do I? Do you?
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Thursday, December 17, 2009
I HATE IT!
I can honestly say I hate clomid... I hate progesterone.. I hate that I can not get pregnant. Well let me rephrase that. I hate that I can not stay pregnant. So it is the first cycle of clomid/progesterone. Clomid makes me a weepy sap, and if you know me... it takes alot to make me cry. I cried. I cried over things that were so insignificant.. it was dumb! So I got through the 5 days of Clomid... went for my ultrasound... and had two nice size follies... (were the egg would be released) one was 18 in size and one was 19. Which means they were both mature.. I could of released one or two... or NONE.... So I was told to start the progesterone.. Well doesn't that make you feel pregnant.... ALL FAKE!!! But non the less... all the fun things... Sore as HELL boobs, bloating oh what fun! And my favorite... sick as a damn dog.... nausea! So I decided to stop them on 10 dpo... since I felt like crap... and my temps suck. So I know that this cycle is a bust.... just another cycle... down the proverbial drain of my "I HATE IT" life! So what does this mean?? OH YEA ME!!!! I get to start another cycle of Clomid... and when you ask?? Right in time for Christmas! So I get to have a "BLUE CHRISTMAS" literally!
Sunday, November 22, 2009
I am now going to be a Clomid Chick...
So after another failed cycle of Natural trying to get pregnant. I will now start fertility drugs. Starting Tuesday, Clomid will now be my drug of choice. How will it make me feel you ask? Well not like those good street drugs... I will have Hot flashes, irritability and bitchiness (Now doesn't that get you in the mood to have sex?) Some people have visual disturbances... like halo's and trailers.. OHHH doesn't this sound like fun? Oh and who wants to leave out the severe tiredness, How about feeling like your ovaries are going to explode! OH BOY, CAN'T WAIT! Other things are the increased risk of multiple (more than 2) and twins (every woman has a 1 in 60 chance, while I will have a 1 in 10 chance of twins or more) , weight gain (How sexy), Abdominal Pain , discomfort and bloating... (Now how the hell am I going to be in the mood?) And the MOST common Nausea, headaches, and dizziness. Were do you sign up you ask?? Well I am so sorry to have to tell you this, It is club that I don't think any of you want to be a part of. I know I sure as hell don't. I never thought I would be taking drugs to try and have a baby... So on to clomid... Will this be the end or just the begining???
Monday, November 9, 2009
To see or Not to see.. South of the Border
As I sat waiting for the PA in my OBGYN office to come in and check my "follies" (They will be the mature eggs that my ovaries will release)... Cam came in and said I have an Intern may she come in? I of course say yes. Tom is sitting behind me to left, the Ultrasound Machine to my right. I hear him laugh. I turn and ask him what is so funny? He said well no hesitation on letting any one in, Come on in!!! .... Then in hits me... Just how many people in the last 11 months have "SEEN" my unmentionables.... Well let me count the ways..... Humm lets see, you have, Cam and the Assistant, Than Dr D, than the WHOLE OR staff, the PACU staff (I had Two nurses), Dr D again. Dr A and his Assistant, Cam again, the Intern... And the countless "Instruments" along the way... and all the while... I am getting no enjoyment nor payment for my "free shows" ... on the contrary I am paying them... I should start charging admission.. maybe get a tattoo for entertainment purposes for the countless visitors that my "South of the Border" has been hosting.
Thursday, October 29, 2009
What is it like not to dream....
When you have no dreams... you have no tomorrow. When you have no dreams... you have no will to live. When you have no dreams... all you have is despair. I feel that is were I am in my life. I feel alone, I feel like a stranger, I feel like a failure. The last year so much has changed. I have lost so much... three babies, my family, trust.. trust of my body.. trust of Dr's.. trust of God.. trust of the Universe. When it rains, it pours. The last year has taken all dreams away. The last year has taken my breath away.. but not in the good way.. the last year has suffocated the me, that I used to be. The last year has killed the person I was. I will be unable to be the me I used to be. When I needed the familiar hugs.. their were no hugs. When I needed the familiar I understand.. their was no understanding. When I needed the unconditional love.. their was conditions put on it. When I needed to be reminded to dream.. that reminder never came.. and the dreams I had, the dreams I should still be holding on to, the dreams that should be keeping me going.. are gone. The support I needed was never given. Now I sit here the shell of a person.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
New Day....
I woke up today having my allergies kick my butt... I have been unable to stop sneezing. But, I woke feeling better mentally....
I had a long conversation with a friend and family member. And I no longer feel alone. She validated every feeling of loneliness I feel. Sometimes you want the support of family.. But they are unable or unwilling to give it. You want them to be their for you, again sometimes they are unable or unwilling. You want them to be what they are too you .... , When you get used to having a support person that you feel like you can go to at any time... and they are no longer their for you. It is hard not to feel alone. Like she said sometimes you feel like all those years you were first...When you were their for that person NO MATTER WHAT they were going through, or how they needed you...to bitch about who ever or what ever, cry, get angry, help them through illness and death, and when you are no longer treated like that in return, when you need them the most.
While yes it hurts, But the question is was it because we were spoiled? Spoiled to have unconditional love...at that time, during the time that they needed us?.... and now that love and support has conditions? I don't know. She doesn't know. But what we do know.... we have the generic conversation with these people that has no meaning.. that I am checking on you out of what I feel I should do, not that I want to really, from my heart know how you are. And I honestly from my heart want to know how things are for you. And how do we know this? Who picks up the phone? How long does the generic conversation lasts? Do you even know that we need you? Nope...
So we ended the conversation thanking each other for asking how are you? good? NO really how are you talk to me.... I care. Love you, m.t. Love you !!!! And Thank you for letting me wake up not knowing I am alone!!! HUGS!
I had a long conversation with a friend and family member. And I no longer feel alone. She validated every feeling of loneliness I feel. Sometimes you want the support of family.. But they are unable or unwilling to give it. You want them to be their for you, again sometimes they are unable or unwilling. You want them to be what they are too you .... , When you get used to having a support person that you feel like you can go to at any time... and they are no longer their for you. It is hard not to feel alone. Like she said sometimes you feel like all those years you were first...When you were their for that person NO MATTER WHAT they were going through, or how they needed you...to bitch about who ever or what ever, cry, get angry, help them through illness and death, and when you are no longer treated like that in return, when you need them the most.
While yes it hurts, But the question is was it because we were spoiled? Spoiled to have unconditional love...at that time, during the time that they needed us?.... and now that love and support has conditions? I don't know. She doesn't know. But what we do know.... we have the generic conversation with these people that has no meaning.. that I am checking on you out of what I feel I should do, not that I want to really, from my heart know how you are. And I honestly from my heart want to know how things are for you. And how do we know this? Who picks up the phone? How long does the generic conversation lasts? Do you even know that we need you? Nope...
So we ended the conversation thanking each other for asking how are you? good? NO really how are you talk to me.... I care. Love you, m.t. Love you !!!! And Thank you for letting me wake up not knowing I am alone!!! HUGS!
Monday, October 12, 2009
October...Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness Month
Thursday Oct 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Awareness Day.. Please light a candle in remembrance of those who have been touched with this loss on this date.
Over the last 10 months I have been honored to have met and gotten to know the most strongest women in this World. The mommies of JM. These ladies have had multiple losses.. Some of their babies were born sleeping they got to hold their angles, name their angles, and say not good bye, but an I will see you again, so for now sleep sweetly my angel, while others like me only get to have the dream of their angel. We the early pregnancy loss angels.. will never know, in most cases, what our angel would have been pink or blue. What color hair, who's eyes she would have, Would he have his daddy's chin? No matter what, Our losses are all the same. We lost our babies. On one mommies "siggy"(siggy- is what we put on our posts.. it is our signature. Some people have pictures of their kids, angels, pets, and themselves) it says what I think all JM mommies that have been through a loss know... "You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have". One of my favorites.. "How many losses can one woman endure... Our want for a baby out weighs the fears, that's how many we can endure" "You have to get through the rain, to enjoy the rainbow".. These are the sayings we live by, everyday.
As I sit here posting this.. I think of one of my closest JM mommy... (She is now a mommy to 3 angel babies) Going through her third loss... How can this be fair? It's not... It sucks... You know I am here for you my friend.
Over the last 10 months I have been honored to have met and gotten to know the most strongest women in this World. The mommies of JM. These ladies have had multiple losses.. Some of their babies were born sleeping they got to hold their angles, name their angles, and say not good bye, but an I will see you again, so for now sleep sweetly my angel, while others like me only get to have the dream of their angel. We the early pregnancy loss angels.. will never know, in most cases, what our angel would have been pink or blue. What color hair, who's eyes she would have, Would he have his daddy's chin? No matter what, Our losses are all the same. We lost our babies. On one mommies "siggy"(siggy- is what we put on our posts.. it is our signature. Some people have pictures of their kids, angels, pets, and themselves) it says what I think all JM mommies that have been through a loss know... "You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have". One of my favorites.. "How many losses can one woman endure... Our want for a baby out weighs the fears, that's how many we can endure" "You have to get through the rain, to enjoy the rainbow".. These are the sayings we live by, everyday.
As I sit here posting this.. I think of one of my closest JM mommy... (She is now a mommy to 3 angel babies) Going through her third loss... How can this be fair? It's not... It sucks... You know I am here for you my friend.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Doctors and Blood, Doctors and Blood
I saw the Reproductive Endocrinologist yesterday... While he says yes, thier is a problem (YOU THINK??? 3 Miscarriages in 11 months??? ) ... We have alot of blanks... we need more tests and more blood. I feel like I have no more answers than I did before the vist.
The RE Appt was for 215 (had to be thier 30 min before, got thier at 135) Didn't get out untill almost 400 ......first off, Dr Sobel is very nice .. Went over all mine and Tom's Past medical history. He said with the blood work I have had done, he can not exclude nor confirm that I have clotting issues. He has ordered another 30 blood tests ranging from more Clotting tests (test that were not done by my OB that will tell us if I do have a clotting issue) to other tests that were not done by my OB ... All have to be done BEFORE my Day 1 rolls back around. (He wants them done ASAP...) Than on my CD3 and CD10 I will have more blood work done while on medication (Clomid 2 pills orally being taken daily between CD 5-9) . ... I will than have to schedule HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) done between CD 6-11. Than a Hysteroscopy done also between CD 6-11 but can only be done on Wed.(that is the day they have the space at the hospital) Tom also has to go for a battery of blood tests (Chromosomal and others). They also will do one more HCG on me to make sure my levels are down to 0. They did do an U/S today while I was thier, to make sure everything "looked" normal.. And he said my ovaries, tubes and the uterus appeared normal on the U/S. But the two tests above will look more closely at that.
He wants me to stay on one baby aspirin. (I got yelled at for taking 2) And keep taking the 1800 mcg of Folic acid I am taking.. and stay on the prenatal's I am on that have the B's in it.. If the tests come back + for the clotting he will put me on Folgard. (It has high dose folic acid, and B's all in one pill) He said IF I should get pregnant before all these tests... He will follow me closely. I wanted a plan for when I get pregnant.. As long as the blood work comes back clear (as in normal, no clotting issues) .. he will not put me on Lovenox. Just keep me on the baby aspirin.
SO IN WRAPS......... I STILL FEEL LIKE I HAVE ZERO ANSWERS! Ok... I know I have a lot of tests ahead before I get answers... BUT I WANT THEM NOW! I will get the blood work tomorrow.. and maybe just maybe some results will be back before I have to go in tomorrow night or Thurs.. SO I can peek again at work...
Sorry so long
Ok here is this list... Oh and I now hold the record for the Phlebotomist who drew my blood... Her record was 15..... She drew 17 tubes from me... (They are not aloud to draw more than 20)
This Dr's office draws EVERYTHING!! Leaves no stone unturned! Even things I know will come back Neg.. (I donate blood ever few months.. I KNOW I don't have HIV)
Factor V(Leiden)Mutation Analysis W/Reflex To Hr2 mutation
Antithrombin lii Activity
Protein C
ActivityProtein S
FreeProthrombin (Factor li) 20210g> A Mutation Analysis
Trombophilia Screen li, inherited (Includes about 6 different tests)
Homocystein, Cardiovascular
Cystic Fibrosis Carrier Screen
Hemoglobinopathy Evaluation
Hepatitis B Surface Antigen W/Refl Confirm
Prolactin
Rubella Immune Status
Varicella-Zoster Virus Igg Ab
CBC W/Diff
Cytomegalovirus Antibodies (Igg,Igm)
Abo Group And Rh Type
Hepatitis C Antibodies
Chlamydia/N. Gonorrhoeae Dna, Sda
Hiv Ab, Hiv 1/2 Eia, W/Refexes
Rpr (DX) W/Refl Titer and Confirmatory Testing
Htlv l/li Antibody, Eia W/Refl To Western Blot
Hepatitis B Core Ab Total W/Refl lgm
Chlamydia Trachomatis Ab (lga,lgm)
HCG Q.
The RE Appt was for 215 (had to be thier 30 min before, got thier at 135) Didn't get out untill almost 400 ......first off, Dr Sobel is very nice .. Went over all mine and Tom's Past medical history. He said with the blood work I have had done, he can not exclude nor confirm that I have clotting issues. He has ordered another 30 blood tests ranging from more Clotting tests (test that were not done by my OB that will tell us if I do have a clotting issue) to other tests that were not done by my OB ... All have to be done BEFORE my Day 1 rolls back around. (He wants them done ASAP...) Than on my CD3 and CD10 I will have more blood work done while on medication (Clomid 2 pills orally being taken daily between CD 5-9) . ... I will than have to schedule HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) done between CD 6-11. Than a Hysteroscopy done also between CD 6-11 but can only be done on Wed.(that is the day they have the space at the hospital) Tom also has to go for a battery of blood tests (Chromosomal and others). They also will do one more HCG on me to make sure my levels are down to 0. They did do an U/S today while I was thier, to make sure everything "looked" normal.. And he said my ovaries, tubes and the uterus appeared normal on the U/S. But the two tests above will look more closely at that.
He wants me to stay on one baby aspirin. (I got yelled at for taking 2) And keep taking the 1800 mcg of Folic acid I am taking.. and stay on the prenatal's I am on that have the B's in it.. If the tests come back + for the clotting he will put me on Folgard. (It has high dose folic acid, and B's all in one pill) He said IF I should get pregnant before all these tests... He will follow me closely. I wanted a plan for when I get pregnant.. As long as the blood work comes back clear (as in normal, no clotting issues) .. he will not put me on Lovenox. Just keep me on the baby aspirin.
SO IN WRAPS......... I STILL FEEL LIKE I HAVE ZERO ANSWERS! Ok... I know I have a lot of tests ahead before I get answers... BUT I WANT THEM NOW! I will get the blood work tomorrow.. and maybe just maybe some results will be back before I have to go in tomorrow night or Thurs.. SO I can peek again at work...
Sorry so long
Ok here is this list... Oh and I now hold the record for the Phlebotomist who drew my blood... Her record was 15..... She drew 17 tubes from me... (They are not aloud to draw more than 20)
This Dr's office draws EVERYTHING!! Leaves no stone unturned! Even things I know will come back Neg.. (I donate blood ever few months.. I KNOW I don't have HIV)
Factor V(Leiden)Mutation Analysis W/Reflex To Hr2 mutation
Antithrombin lii Activity
Protein C
ActivityProtein S
FreeProthrombin (Factor li) 20210g> A Mutation Analysis
Trombophilia Screen li, inherited (Includes about 6 different tests)
Homocystein, Cardiovascular
Cystic Fibrosis Carrier Screen
Hemoglobinopathy Evaluation
Hepatitis B Surface Antigen W/Refl Confirm
Prolactin
Rubella Immune Status
Varicella-Zoster Virus Igg Ab
CBC W/Diff
Cytomegalovirus Antibodies (Igg,Igm)
Abo Group And Rh Type
Hepatitis C Antibodies
Chlamydia/N. Gonorrhoeae Dna, Sda
Hiv Ab, Hiv 1/2 Eia, W/Refexes
Rpr (DX) W/Refl Titer and Confirmatory Testing
Htlv l/li Antibody, Eia W/Refl To Western Blot
Hepatitis B Core Ab Total W/Refl lgm
Chlamydia Trachomatis Ab (lga,lgm)
HCG Q.
Friday, September 18, 2009
Today I should be holding my baby......
Today is Sept 18th, My EDD (estimated due date) I should be holding my healthy newborn. I'm not. For the over the last 7 months I have dreaded this day. I so wanted to be pregnant by this day. Oh wait.. I technically I am. Just instead of looking forward to giving birth, I waiting to either miscarry or schedule a d/c. Maybe I should have prayed for a healthy pregnancy that yielded a healthy baby, instead of just praying so vaguely, Yes you feel anger when you read this. I hurt as I type. And I am in total disbelief that people are still so ignorant to the pain of loss... recurrent loss. But again just like always I sit alone. Alone I cry, Alone I mourn, Alone in this journey. I am a bitch, I am an ass hole.. Since I don't want to hear about your baby, your child, your stories of other babies, about your happy times holding a newborn or taking your child out. I'm sorry at this point in time I can't be happy for you, your family, your newborn. I don't want to think about the happy people in the world, When I sit here hurting, hurting more than I ever thought I could. Feeling so alone, Standing in a crowd of people and feeling the loneliest I ever have. I have to look at this date, this week for the rest of my life knowing what this date is. If you can't support me, right now, when I need you the most. I would be rather be alone.
We are like clay... we are born like a fresh perfect square right out of the box.... every hurt, every accomplishment, every loss, every gain.... we are molded... some strokes are softer and don't change you much, others are deep, drastically changing you and these "strokes", change you forever, while you make adjustments to learn to live the new you, that is what it is... the "new you". You will never be the "old you" You will never be able to go back to the "you, you were". Your clay has been changed. You may not be happy with the new you, you may not like the new you, you may want the old you back. But once your clay has been touched, you can never go back to the way it was.
Precious, Tiny Sweet One
Author: Unknown
Precious tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.
We never had the chance to play
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to your giggle.
I'll always be your mother
He will always be your dad
You will always be our child
The child that we had.
But now you're gone but yet you're here
We'll sense you everywhere
You are our sorrow and our joy
There's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong
We'll forget you never
The child we had, but never had
And yet will have forever.
We are like clay... we are born like a fresh perfect square right out of the box.... every hurt, every accomplishment, every loss, every gain.... we are molded... some strokes are softer and don't change you much, others are deep, drastically changing you and these "strokes", change you forever, while you make adjustments to learn to live the new you, that is what it is... the "new you". You will never be the "old you" You will never be able to go back to the "you, you were". Your clay has been changed. You may not be happy with the new you, you may not like the new you, you may want the old you back. But once your clay has been touched, you can never go back to the way it was.
Precious, Tiny Sweet One
Author: Unknown
Precious tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.
We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.
We never had the chance to play
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to your giggle.
I'll always be your mother
He will always be your dad
You will always be our child
The child that we had.
But now you're gone but yet you're here
We'll sense you everywhere
You are our sorrow and our joy
There's love in every tear.
Just know our love goes deep and strong
We'll forget you never
The child we had, but never had
And yet will have forever.
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
Blood Results....
I knew their was a problem... With out getting into to much TMI info ... My body is not doing what it is supposed to do. SURPRISE.... Over the last 11 months my body has done nothing right. Why would I think this would be any different? I went in for blood work yesterday since I knew my levels were not dropping like they should. On Friday my HCG numbers (these are the numbers that make a pregnancy test +) In a healthy pregnancy these numbers should double every 24 hours. My numbers failed to double... when this happens miscarriage is most likely eminent. On Monday Aug 31 they were 91... had tripled in two days when I had my blood drawn on Friday they were 31... So all was well. When I went back Friday... they had only risen 2 points to 93. Hoping my body would do this naturally... this past week not much happened... not enough (I knew), I got the call today... I am only down to 56. They will give my body one more week. I have to go back for more blood work next week. If they are not down dramatically I will be scheduled for yet another d/c. Well I guess I should be glad they didn't want to do the d/c this Friday... How horrible would that be... My due date for my second loss and a d/c for my third loss.
It is so hard to look back at July 14th my first due date..... September 18th my second due date and now May 10th... What would have been my birthday baby. Gone are these dreams.. Gone.
It is so hard to look back at July 14th my first due date..... September 18th my second due date and now May 10th... What would have been my birthday baby. Gone are these dreams.. Gone.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Loss a Poem
This was posted on my support group.......
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will not be better because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have to struggle to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of a child, knowing I can comfort, hold and feed him, and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot, or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in a sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I Have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, I mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will not be better because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have to struggle to attain their dreams. I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore, and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of a child, knowing I can comfort, hold and feed him, and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot, or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in a sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body. I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I Have succeeded. I have won. So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, I mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes. I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes, I will be a wonderful mother.
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
My Shoes...
I am wearing a pair of shoes.They are ugly shoes.Uncomfortable shoes.I hate my shoes.Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair.Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step.Yet, I continue to wear them.I get funny looks wearing these shoes.They are looks of sympathy.I can tell in other's eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and nottheirs.They never talk about my shoes.To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable.To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them.But, once you put them on, you can never take them off.I now realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes.There are many pairs in this world.Some women are like me and ache daily as they try to walk in them.Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite somuch.Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go by before they thinkabout how much they hurt.No woman deserves to wear these shoes.Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman.These shoes have given me the strength to face anything.They have made me who I am.I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss: A letter from women to their friends and family By: Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer
When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar.
The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.
This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.
**Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.
**Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.
**Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.
**Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?
**Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.
**Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.
**Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.
**Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.
**Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.
**Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died" or "when I was pregnant" don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.
**Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.
**Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.
~Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.
~Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.
~Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.
If you're my boss or my co-worker:
~Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.
~Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.
Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."
Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.
What we wish you knew about pregnancy loss: A letter from women to their friends and family By: Elizabeth Soutter Schwarzer
When women experience the loss of a child, one of the first things they discover they have in common is a list of things they wish no one had ever said to them. The lists tend to be remarkably similar.
The comments are rarely malicious - just misguided attempts to soothe.
This list was compiled as a way of helping other people understand pregnancy loss. While generated by mothers for mothers, it may also apply similarly to the fathers who have endured this loss.
When trying to help a woman who has lost a baby, the best rule of thumb is a matter of manners: don't offer your personal opinion of her life, her choices, her prospects for children. No woman is looking to poll her acquaintances for their opinions on why it happened or how she should cope.
**Don't say, "It's God's Will." Even if we are members of the same congregation, unless you are a cleric and I am seeking your spiritual counseling, please don't presume to tell me what God wants for me. Besides, many terrible things are God's Will, that doesn't make them less terrible.
**Don't say, "It was for the best - there was probably something wrong with your baby." The fact that something was wrong with the baby is what is making me so sad. My poor baby never had a chance. Please don't try to comfort me by pointing that out.
**Don't say, "You can always have another one." This baby was never disposable. If had been given the choice between losing this child or stabbing my eye out with a fork, I would have said, "Where's the fork?" I would have died for this baby, just as you would die for your children.
**Don't say, "Be grateful for the children you have." If your mother died in a terrible wreck and you grieved, would that make you less grateful to have your father?
**Don't say, "Thank God you lost the baby before you really loved it." I loved my son or daughter. Whether I lost the baby after two weeks of pregnancy or just after birth, I loved him or her.
**Don't say, "Isn't it time you got over this and moved on?" It's not something I enjoy, being grief-stricken. I wish it had never happened. But it did and it's a part of me forever. The grief will ease on its own timeline, not mine - or yours.
**Don't say, "Now you have an angel watching over you." I didn't want her to be my angel. I wanted her to bury me in my old age.
**Don't say, "I understand how you feel." Unless you've lost a child, you really don't understand how I feel. And even if you have lost a child, everyone experiences grief differently.
**Don't tell me horror stories of your neighbor or cousin or mother who had it worse. The last thing I need to hear right now is that it is possible to have this happen six times, or that I could carry until two days before my due-date and labor 20 hours for a dead baby. These stories frighten and horrify me and leave me up at night weeping in despair. Even if they have a happy ending, do not share these stories with me.
**Don't pretend it didn't happen and don't change the subject when I bring it up. If I say, "Before the baby died" or "when I was pregnant" don't get scared. If I'm talking about it, it means I want to. Let me. Pretending it didn't happen will only make me feel utterly alone.
**Don't say, "It's not your fault." It may not have been my fault, but it was my responsibility and I failed. The fact that I never stood a chance of succeeding only makes me feel worse. This tiny little being depended upon me to bring him safely into the world and I couldn't do it. I was supposed to care for him for a lifetime, but I couldn't even give him a childhood. I am so angry at my body you just can't imagine.
**Don't say, "Well, you weren't too sure about this baby, anyway." I already feel so guilty about ever having complained about morning sickness, or a child I wasn't prepared for, or another mouth to feed that we couldn't afford. I already fear that this baby died because I didn't take the vitamins, or drank too much coffee, or had alcohol in the first few weeks when I didn't know I was pregnant. I hate myself for any minute that I had reservations about this baby. Being unsure of my pregnancy isn't the same as wanting my child to die - I never would have chosen for this to happen.
~Do say, "I am so sorry." That's enough. You don't need to be eloquent. Say it and mean it and it will matter.
~Do say, "You're going to be wonderful parents some day," or "You're wonderful parents and that baby was lucky to have you." We both need to hear that.
~Do say, "I have lighted a candle for your baby," or "I have said a prayer for your baby." Do send flowers or a kind note - every one I receive makes me feel as though my baby was loved. Don't resent it if I don't respond. Don't call more than once and don't be angry if the machine is on and I don't return your call. If we're close friends and I am not responding to your attempts to help me, please don't resent that, either. Help me by not needing anything from me for a while.
If you're my boss or my co-worker:
~Do recognize that I have suffered a death in my family - not a medical condition.
~Do recognize that in addition to the physical aftereffects I may experience, I'm going to be grieving for quite some time. Please treat me as you would any person who has endured the tragic death of a loved one - I need time and space.
Please don't bring your baby or toddler into the workplace. If your niece is pregnant, or your daughter just had a baby, please don't share that with me right now. It's not that I can't be happy for anyone else, it's that every smiling, cooing baby, every glowing new mother makes me ache so deep in my heart I can barely stand it. I may look okay to you, but there's a good chance that I'm still crying every day. It may be weeks before I can go a whole hour without thinking about it. You'll know when I'm ready - I'll be the one to say, "Did your daughter have her baby?" or, "How is that precious little boy of yours? I haven't seen him around the office in a while."
Above all, please remember that this is the worst thing that ever happened to me. The word "miscarriage" is small and easy. But my baby's death is monolithic and awful. It's going to take me a while to figure out how to live with it. Bear with me.
Monday, September 7, 2009
Sleep....
I am exhausted. Mentally drained from the last 11 months. 11 months - 3 losses that equals a loss every 3.6 months a total of 17 wks that I was pregnant between the 3 losses. When you break it down... it doesn't look like much, but numbers. I guess to the majority of people it isn't much. If you don't have a big belly... and loose a baby.. its not a baby. I guess it's like if you loose your baby at 2 months to SIDS it is nothing compared to loosing a child at 7 years? Its not like you got to know that baby? Right? NO! you say, Oh I'm wrong? Really? Than why is it different for me? Why can I be dismissed. Why can my loss, hurt, anger and sadness mean so little? A child is child no matter what age right? Or is only if you can see it and feel it? Well I did see it and feel it. I saw those two beautiful lines, I saw that little beating heart, I felt the morning sickness, the sore boobs, the bloating. Just because it was not your sight or you feeling... doesn't mean it wasn't real. That I didn't have dreams and hopes from the first sight of those two lines. That I didn't have names picked out, trips planned, and books to read. But I guess I am wrong. We are a tactile society... if you can't see it, and touch it, it doesn't exist. Well your wrong. It was real...It is like, Love.. you know Love is real you can't touch it, or see it. But it is real. I had love for those babies. My babies. My Angel Babies.
Sunday, September 6, 2009
September
September has never had much meaning... it was the start of school or the end of summer.. yes. But on a person level.. no. Just another month. Until this year. September will forever mean to me, loss. September 18th would of been my EDD (estimated due date) for my second loss. And now it will be my Angelversary for my third loss. I am waiting to have my third miscarriage. The loss of my third baby. If you have never been through a loss. You will never be able understand. To comprehend the pain of loss. The hurt, both physically and mentally. The constant reminder of what will never be, every were you turn. The people who make comments that never know the sting you feel. The lack of understanding of how simple things to them, cut like a knife to you. I want to avoid people at all cost, I don't want to watch tv, I don't want to leave my house. All these things remind me of what will never be mine. If you take notice in one hour of tv, leaving your house or listening to people talk.. you will babies, pregnancy, and the combination of the two multiple times. While a person who has not experienced a loss.. will not pick up on this. But those of who have... we want to scream! To others... baby showers don't mean anything but happiness of a new life.. to us, the one that have lost. It is a painful reminder, a stab in the chest, a kick in the gut, slap in face.. do you get it? No one who has experienced a loss should have to go to one when they are not ready. But others who don't know... it doesn't matter to them. I guess you should just suck it up and deal with it. Walking by the pile of baby things... I can't even walk by the baby stuff in the store. When I pass someone who is pregnant... or sit next to someone at work scratching their belly.. I want to scream. When I hear a pregnant woman complaining about her pregnancy.. I want to scream.. at least you have your pregnancy. So I sit here, waiting to miscarry yet again. And think why? Why has this happened yet again. I have people that want to talk... I don't want to. I don't want to think about this, and you know they might not ask.. but it is in the back of their head. They want to know I am ok.... Am I ok?? NO I'm not ok.. Is that what you want to hear? No, you want me to say I'm fine, so you can feel better. I just lost yet another baby, Would you be ok? Would you be fine? I think not. I know you have questions.. don't you think I do??? I have more questions than you... questions that I will never have answers to. Not only do I have questions... but I feel like a failure. I am angry, I am sad, so many emotions.. I can't even begin to put into words. I don't want to have to defend myself. I don't want to make you feel better. I don't want to have to protect myself from comments that I know will be said. I don't want to explain yet again something that everyone in my life can not understand since only a few people (3) that I speak to have experienced. I hope this helps the "you" reading this understand why I am not responding to your messages and texts... I will when I am ready. When that will be... I don't know. But I am not ready yet.
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