Today I should be holding my baby......

Today is Sept 18th, My EDD (estimated due date) I should be holding my healthy newborn. I'm not. For the over the last 7 months I have dreaded this day. I so wanted to be pregnant by this day. Oh wait.. I technically I am. Just instead of looking forward to giving birth, I waiting to either miscarry or schedule a d/c. Maybe I should have prayed for a healthy pregnancy that yielded a healthy baby, instead of just praying so vaguely, Yes you feel anger when you read this. I hurt as I type. And I am in total disbelief that people are still so ignorant to the pain of loss... recurrent loss. But again just like always I sit alone. Alone I cry, Alone I mourn, Alone in this journey. I am a bitch, I am an ass hole.. Since I don't want to hear about your baby, your child, your stories of other babies, about your happy times holding a newborn or taking your child out. I'm sorry at this point in time I can't be happy for you, your family, your newborn. I don't want to think about the happy people in the world, When I sit here hurting, hurting more than I ever thought I could. Feeling so alone, Standing in a crowd of people and feeling the loneliest I ever have. I have to look at this date, this week for the rest of my life knowing what this date is. If you can't support me, right now, when I need you the most. I would be rather be alone.

We are like clay... we are born like a fresh perfect square right out of the box.... every hurt, every accomplishment, every loss, every gain.... we are molded... some strokes are softer and don't change you much, others are deep, drastically changing you and these "strokes", change you forever, while you make adjustments to learn to live the new you, that is what it is... the "new you". You will never be the "old you" You will never be able to go back to the "you, you were". Your clay has been changed. You may not be happy with the new you, you may not like the new you, you may want the old you back. But once your clay has been touched, you can never go back to the way it was.

Precious, Tiny Sweet One
Author: Unknown

Precious tiny, sweet little one
You will always be to me
So perfect, pure, and innocent
Just as you were meant to be.

We dreamed of you and of your life
And all that it would be
We waited and longed for you to come
And join our family.

We never had the chance to play
To laugh, to rock, to wiggle
We long to hold you, touch you now
And listen to your giggle.

I'll always be your mother
He will always be your dad
You will always be our child
The child that we had.

But now you're gone but yet you're here
We'll sense you everywhere
You are our sorrow and our joy
There's love in every tear.

Just know our love goes deep and strong
We'll forget you never
The child we had, but never had
And yet will have forever.