September

September has never had much meaning... it was the start of school or the end of summer.. yes. But on a person level.. no. Just another month. Until this year. September will forever mean to me, loss. September 18th would of been my EDD (estimated due date) for my second loss. And now it will be my Angelversary for my third loss. I am waiting to have my third miscarriage. The loss of my third baby. If you have never been through a loss. You will never be able understand. To comprehend the pain of loss. The hurt, both physically and mentally. The constant reminder of what will never be, every were you turn. The people who make comments that never know the sting you feel. The lack of understanding of how simple things to them, cut like a knife to you. I want to avoid people at all cost, I don't want to watch tv, I don't want to leave my house. All these things remind me of what will never be mine. If you take notice in one hour of tv, leaving your house or listening to people talk.. you will babies, pregnancy, and the combination of the two multiple times. While a person who has not experienced a loss.. will not pick up on this. But those of who have... we want to scream! To others... baby showers don't mean anything but happiness of a new life.. to us, the one that have lost. It is a painful reminder, a stab in the chest, a kick in the gut, slap in face.. do you get it? No one who has experienced a loss should have to go to one when they are not ready. But others who don't know... it doesn't matter to them. I guess you should just suck it up and deal with it. Walking by the pile of baby things... I can't even walk by the baby stuff in the store. When I pass someone who is pregnant... or sit next to someone at work scratching their belly.. I want to scream. When I hear a pregnant woman complaining about her pregnancy.. I want to scream.. at least you have your pregnancy. So I sit here, waiting to miscarry yet again. And think why? Why has this happened yet again. I have people that want to talk... I don't want to. I don't want to think about this, and you know they might not ask.. but it is in the back of their head. They want to know I am ok.... Am I ok?? NO I'm not ok.. Is that what you want to hear? No, you want me to say I'm fine, so you can feel better. I just lost yet another baby, Would you be ok? Would you be fine? I think not. I know you have questions.. don't you think I do??? I have more questions than you... questions that I will never have answers to. Not only do I have questions... but I feel like a failure. I am angry, I am sad, so many emotions.. I can't even begin to put into words. I don't want to have to defend myself. I don't want to make you feel better. I don't want to have to protect myself from comments that I know will be said. I don't want to explain yet again something that everyone in my life can not understand since only a few people (3) that I speak to have experienced. I hope this helps the "you" reading this understand why I am not responding to your messages and texts... I will when I am ready. When that will be... I don't know. But I am not ready yet.