Thursday, October 29, 2009
What is it like not to dream....
When you have no dreams... you have no tomorrow. When you have no dreams... you have no will to live. When you have no dreams... all you have is despair. I feel that is were I am in my life. I feel alone, I feel like a stranger, I feel like a failure. The last year so much has changed. I have lost so much... three babies, my family, trust.. trust of my body.. trust of Dr's.. trust of God.. trust of the Universe. When it rains, it pours. The last year has taken all dreams away. The last year has taken my breath away.. but not in the good way.. the last year has suffocated the me, that I used to be. The last year has killed the person I was. I will be unable to be the me I used to be. When I needed the familiar hugs.. their were no hugs. When I needed the familiar I understand.. their was no understanding. When I needed the unconditional love.. their was conditions put on it. When I needed to be reminded to dream.. that reminder never came.. and the dreams I had, the dreams I should still be holding on to, the dreams that should be keeping me going.. are gone. The support I needed was never given. Now I sit here the shell of a person.
Sunday, October 18, 2009
New Day....
I woke up today having my allergies kick my butt... I have been unable to stop sneezing. But, I woke feeling better mentally....
I had a long conversation with a friend and family member. And I no longer feel alone. She validated every feeling of loneliness I feel. Sometimes you want the support of family.. But they are unable or unwilling to give it. You want them to be their for you, again sometimes they are unable or unwilling. You want them to be what they are too you .... , When you get used to having a support person that you feel like you can go to at any time... and they are no longer their for you. It is hard not to feel alone. Like she said sometimes you feel like all those years you were first...When you were their for that person NO MATTER WHAT they were going through, or how they needed you...to bitch about who ever or what ever, cry, get angry, help them through illness and death, and when you are no longer treated like that in return, when you need them the most.
While yes it hurts, But the question is was it because we were spoiled? Spoiled to have unconditional love...at that time, during the time that they needed us?.... and now that love and support has conditions? I don't know. She doesn't know. But what we do know.... we have the generic conversation with these people that has no meaning.. that I am checking on you out of what I feel I should do, not that I want to really, from my heart know how you are. And I honestly from my heart want to know how things are for you. And how do we know this? Who picks up the phone? How long does the generic conversation lasts? Do you even know that we need you? Nope...
So we ended the conversation thanking each other for asking how are you? good? NO really how are you talk to me.... I care. Love you, m.t. Love you !!!! And Thank you for letting me wake up not knowing I am alone!!! HUGS!
I had a long conversation with a friend and family member. And I no longer feel alone. She validated every feeling of loneliness I feel. Sometimes you want the support of family.. But they are unable or unwilling to give it. You want them to be their for you, again sometimes they are unable or unwilling. You want them to be what they are too you .... , When you get used to having a support person that you feel like you can go to at any time... and they are no longer their for you. It is hard not to feel alone. Like she said sometimes you feel like all those years you were first...When you were their for that person NO MATTER WHAT they were going through, or how they needed you...to bitch about who ever or what ever, cry, get angry, help them through illness and death, and when you are no longer treated like that in return, when you need them the most.
While yes it hurts, But the question is was it because we were spoiled? Spoiled to have unconditional love...at that time, during the time that they needed us?.... and now that love and support has conditions? I don't know. She doesn't know. But what we do know.... we have the generic conversation with these people that has no meaning.. that I am checking on you out of what I feel I should do, not that I want to really, from my heart know how you are. And I honestly from my heart want to know how things are for you. And how do we know this? Who picks up the phone? How long does the generic conversation lasts? Do you even know that we need you? Nope...
So we ended the conversation thanking each other for asking how are you? good? NO really how are you talk to me.... I care. Love you, m.t. Love you !!!! And Thank you for letting me wake up not knowing I am alone!!! HUGS!
Monday, October 12, 2009
October...Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness Month
Thursday Oct 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Awareness Day.. Please light a candle in remembrance of those who have been touched with this loss on this date.
Over the last 10 months I have been honored to have met and gotten to know the most strongest women in this World. The mommies of JM. These ladies have had multiple losses.. Some of their babies were born sleeping they got to hold their angles, name their angles, and say not good bye, but an I will see you again, so for now sleep sweetly my angel, while others like me only get to have the dream of their angel. We the early pregnancy loss angels.. will never know, in most cases, what our angel would have been pink or blue. What color hair, who's eyes she would have, Would he have his daddy's chin? No matter what, Our losses are all the same. We lost our babies. On one mommies "siggy"(siggy- is what we put on our posts.. it is our signature. Some people have pictures of their kids, angels, pets, and themselves) it says what I think all JM mommies that have been through a loss know... "You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have". One of my favorites.. "How many losses can one woman endure... Our want for a baby out weighs the fears, that's how many we can endure" "You have to get through the rain, to enjoy the rainbow".. These are the sayings we live by, everyday.
As I sit here posting this.. I think of one of my closest JM mommy... (She is now a mommy to 3 angel babies) Going through her third loss... How can this be fair? It's not... It sucks... You know I am here for you my friend.
Over the last 10 months I have been honored to have met and gotten to know the most strongest women in this World. The mommies of JM. These ladies have had multiple losses.. Some of their babies were born sleeping they got to hold their angles, name their angles, and say not good bye, but an I will see you again, so for now sleep sweetly my angel, while others like me only get to have the dream of their angel. We the early pregnancy loss angels.. will never know, in most cases, what our angel would have been pink or blue. What color hair, who's eyes she would have, Would he have his daddy's chin? No matter what, Our losses are all the same. We lost our babies. On one mommies "siggy"(siggy- is what we put on our posts.. it is our signature. Some people have pictures of their kids, angels, pets, and themselves) it says what I think all JM mommies that have been through a loss know... "You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have". One of my favorites.. "How many losses can one woman endure... Our want for a baby out weighs the fears, that's how many we can endure" "You have to get through the rain, to enjoy the rainbow".. These are the sayings we live by, everyday.
As I sit here posting this.. I think of one of my closest JM mommy... (She is now a mommy to 3 angel babies) Going through her third loss... How can this be fair? It's not... It sucks... You know I am here for you my friend.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Doctors and Blood, Doctors and Blood
I saw the Reproductive Endocrinologist yesterday... While he says yes, thier is a problem (YOU THINK??? 3 Miscarriages in 11 months??? ) ... We have alot of blanks... we need more tests and more blood. I feel like I have no more answers than I did before the vist.
The RE Appt was for 215 (had to be thier 30 min before, got thier at 135) Didn't get out untill almost 400 ......first off, Dr Sobel is very nice .. Went over all mine and Tom's Past medical history. He said with the blood work I have had done, he can not exclude nor confirm that I have clotting issues. He has ordered another 30 blood tests ranging from more Clotting tests (test that were not done by my OB that will tell us if I do have a clotting issue) to other tests that were not done by my OB ... All have to be done BEFORE my Day 1 rolls back around. (He wants them done ASAP...) Than on my CD3 and CD10 I will have more blood work done while on medication (Clomid 2 pills orally being taken daily between CD 5-9) . ... I will than have to schedule HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) done between CD 6-11. Than a Hysteroscopy done also between CD 6-11 but can only be done on Wed.(that is the day they have the space at the hospital) Tom also has to go for a battery of blood tests (Chromosomal and others). They also will do one more HCG on me to make sure my levels are down to 0. They did do an U/S today while I was thier, to make sure everything "looked" normal.. And he said my ovaries, tubes and the uterus appeared normal on the U/S. But the two tests above will look more closely at that.
He wants me to stay on one baby aspirin. (I got yelled at for taking 2) And keep taking the 1800 mcg of Folic acid I am taking.. and stay on the prenatal's I am on that have the B's in it.. If the tests come back + for the clotting he will put me on Folgard. (It has high dose folic acid, and B's all in one pill) He said IF I should get pregnant before all these tests... He will follow me closely. I wanted a plan for when I get pregnant.. As long as the blood work comes back clear (as in normal, no clotting issues) .. he will not put me on Lovenox. Just keep me on the baby aspirin.
SO IN WRAPS......... I STILL FEEL LIKE I HAVE ZERO ANSWERS! Ok... I know I have a lot of tests ahead before I get answers... BUT I WANT THEM NOW! I will get the blood work tomorrow.. and maybe just maybe some results will be back before I have to go in tomorrow night or Thurs.. SO I can peek again at work...
Sorry so long
Ok here is this list... Oh and I now hold the record for the Phlebotomist who drew my blood... Her record was 15..... She drew 17 tubes from me... (They are not aloud to draw more than 20)
This Dr's office draws EVERYTHING!! Leaves no stone unturned! Even things I know will come back Neg.. (I donate blood ever few months.. I KNOW I don't have HIV)
Factor V(Leiden)Mutation Analysis W/Reflex To Hr2 mutation
Antithrombin lii Activity
Protein C
ActivityProtein S
FreeProthrombin (Factor li) 20210g> A Mutation Analysis
Trombophilia Screen li, inherited (Includes about 6 different tests)
Homocystein, Cardiovascular
Cystic Fibrosis Carrier Screen
Hemoglobinopathy Evaluation
Hepatitis B Surface Antigen W/Refl Confirm
Prolactin
Rubella Immune Status
Varicella-Zoster Virus Igg Ab
CBC W/Diff
Cytomegalovirus Antibodies (Igg,Igm)
Abo Group And Rh Type
Hepatitis C Antibodies
Chlamydia/N. Gonorrhoeae Dna, Sda
Hiv Ab, Hiv 1/2 Eia, W/Refexes
Rpr (DX) W/Refl Titer and Confirmatory Testing
Htlv l/li Antibody, Eia W/Refl To Western Blot
Hepatitis B Core Ab Total W/Refl lgm
Chlamydia Trachomatis Ab (lga,lgm)
HCG Q.
The RE Appt was for 215 (had to be thier 30 min before, got thier at 135) Didn't get out untill almost 400 ......first off, Dr Sobel is very nice .. Went over all mine and Tom's Past medical history. He said with the blood work I have had done, he can not exclude nor confirm that I have clotting issues. He has ordered another 30 blood tests ranging from more Clotting tests (test that were not done by my OB that will tell us if I do have a clotting issue) to other tests that were not done by my OB ... All have to be done BEFORE my Day 1 rolls back around. (He wants them done ASAP...) Than on my CD3 and CD10 I will have more blood work done while on medication (Clomid 2 pills orally being taken daily between CD 5-9) . ... I will than have to schedule HSG (Hysterosalpingogram) done between CD 6-11. Than a Hysteroscopy done also between CD 6-11 but can only be done on Wed.(that is the day they have the space at the hospital) Tom also has to go for a battery of blood tests (Chromosomal and others). They also will do one more HCG on me to make sure my levels are down to 0. They did do an U/S today while I was thier, to make sure everything "looked" normal.. And he said my ovaries, tubes and the uterus appeared normal on the U/S. But the two tests above will look more closely at that.
He wants me to stay on one baby aspirin. (I got yelled at for taking 2) And keep taking the 1800 mcg of Folic acid I am taking.. and stay on the prenatal's I am on that have the B's in it.. If the tests come back + for the clotting he will put me on Folgard. (It has high dose folic acid, and B's all in one pill) He said IF I should get pregnant before all these tests... He will follow me closely. I wanted a plan for when I get pregnant.. As long as the blood work comes back clear (as in normal, no clotting issues) .. he will not put me on Lovenox. Just keep me on the baby aspirin.
SO IN WRAPS......... I STILL FEEL LIKE I HAVE ZERO ANSWERS! Ok... I know I have a lot of tests ahead before I get answers... BUT I WANT THEM NOW! I will get the blood work tomorrow.. and maybe just maybe some results will be back before I have to go in tomorrow night or Thurs.. SO I can peek again at work...
Sorry so long
Ok here is this list... Oh and I now hold the record for the Phlebotomist who drew my blood... Her record was 15..... She drew 17 tubes from me... (They are not aloud to draw more than 20)
This Dr's office draws EVERYTHING!! Leaves no stone unturned! Even things I know will come back Neg.. (I donate blood ever few months.. I KNOW I don't have HIV)
Factor V(Leiden)Mutation Analysis W/Reflex To Hr2 mutation
Antithrombin lii Activity
Protein C
ActivityProtein S
FreeProthrombin (Factor li) 20210g> A Mutation Analysis
Trombophilia Screen li, inherited (Includes about 6 different tests)
Homocystein, Cardiovascular
Cystic Fibrosis Carrier Screen
Hemoglobinopathy Evaluation
Hepatitis B Surface Antigen W/Refl Confirm
Prolactin
Rubella Immune Status
Varicella-Zoster Virus Igg Ab
CBC W/Diff
Cytomegalovirus Antibodies (Igg,Igm)
Abo Group And Rh Type
Hepatitis C Antibodies
Chlamydia/N. Gonorrhoeae Dna, Sda
Hiv Ab, Hiv 1/2 Eia, W/Refexes
Rpr (DX) W/Refl Titer and Confirmatory Testing
Htlv l/li Antibody, Eia W/Refl To Western Blot
Hepatitis B Core Ab Total W/Refl lgm
Chlamydia Trachomatis Ab (lga,lgm)
HCG Q.
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