2010 Come on?

Should I be happy for 2010, since 2009 was such a shitty year? Lets go back a year ago today... I sat here thinking.. Come on 2009... Since I had just had my first miscarriage. So here it is less than a week away from 2010... do I want it to come? Can this coming year be worse than last year? Or will it be better... Can it be better? The last 352 day.. 2 additional miscarriages, the ups and downs of the hormones, Having a surgery due to one of the miscarriages, the cracking and surgical removal of a tooth they hit while in surgery for my d/e, the death of my grandmother, Being told I have lung nodule that they will have to follow, Being told I have a clotting disorder.. I will be forever on Baby aspirin daily. Is that enough? I will stop listing.... All I can say this year has SUCKED......

So where do we go from here? On to 2010... I really don't have a choice do I? Do you?

I HATE IT!

I can honestly say I hate clomid... I hate progesterone.. I hate that I can not get pregnant. Well let me rephrase that. I hate that I can not stay pregnant. So it is the first cycle of clomid/progesterone. Clomid makes me a weepy sap, and if you know me... it takes alot to make me cry. I cried. I cried over things that were so insignificant.. it was dumb! So I got through the 5 days of Clomid... went for my ultrasound... and had two nice size follies... (were the egg would be released) one was 18 in size and one was 19. Which means they were both mature.. I could of released one or two... or NONE.... So I was told to start the progesterone.. Well doesn't that make you feel pregnant.... ALL FAKE!!! But non the less... all the fun things... Sore as HELL boobs, bloating oh what fun! And my favorite... sick as a damn dog.... nausea! So I decided to stop them on 10 dpo... since I felt like crap... and my temps suck. So I know that this cycle is a bust.... just another cycle... down the proverbial drain of my "I HATE IT" life! So what does this mean?? OH YEA ME!!!! I get to start another cycle of Clomid... and when you ask?? Right in time for Christmas! So I get to have a "BLUE CHRISTMAS" literally!

I am now going to be a Clomid Chick...

So after another failed cycle of Natural trying to get pregnant. I will now start fertility drugs. Starting Tuesday, Clomid will now be my drug of choice. How will it make me feel you ask? Well not like those good street drugs... I will have Hot flashes, irritability and bitchiness (Now doesn't that get you in the mood to have sex?) Some people have visual disturbances... like halo's and trailers.. OHHH doesn't this sound like fun? Oh and who wants to leave out the severe tiredness, How about feeling like your ovaries are going to explode! OH BOY, CAN'T WAIT! Other things are the increased risk of multiple (more than 2) and twins (every woman has a 1 in 60 chance, while I will have a 1 in 10 chance of twins or more) , weight gain (How sexy), Abdominal Pain , discomfort and bloating... (Now how the hell am I going to be in the mood?) And the MOST common Nausea, headaches, and dizziness. Were do you sign up you ask?? Well I am so sorry to have to tell you this, It is club that I don't think any of you want to be a part of. I know I sure as hell don't. I never thought I would be taking drugs to try and have a baby... So on to clomid... Will this be the end or just the begining???

To see or Not to see.. South of the Border

As I sat waiting for the PA in my OBGYN office to come in and check my "follies" (They will be the mature eggs that my ovaries will release)... Cam came in and said I have an Intern may she come in? I of course say yes. Tom is sitting behind me to left, the Ultrasound Machine to my right. I hear him laugh. I turn and ask him what is so funny? He said well no hesitation on letting any one in, Come on in!!! .... Then in hits me... Just how many people in the last 11 months have "SEEN" my unmentionables.... Well let me count the ways..... Humm lets see, you have, Cam and the Assistant, Than Dr D, than the WHOLE OR staff, the PACU staff (I had Two nurses), Dr D again. Dr A and his Assistant, Cam again, the Intern... And the countless "Instruments" along the way... and all the while... I am getting no enjoyment nor payment for my "free shows" ... on the contrary I am paying them... I should start charging admission.. maybe get a tattoo for entertainment purposes for the countless visitors that my "South of the Border" has been hosting.

What is it like not to dream....

When you have no dreams... you have no tomorrow. When you have no dreams... you have no will to live. When you have no dreams... all you have is despair. I feel that is were I am in my life. I feel alone, I feel like a stranger, I feel like a failure. The last year so much has changed. I have lost so much... three babies, my family, trust.. trust of my body.. trust of Dr's.. trust of God.. trust of the Universe. When it rains, it pours. The last year has taken all dreams away. The last year has taken my breath away.. but not in the good way.. the last year has suffocated the me, that I used to be. The last year has killed the person I was. I will be unable to be the me I used to be. When I needed the familiar hugs.. their were no hugs. When I needed the familiar I understand.. their was no understanding. When I needed the unconditional love.. their was conditions put on it. When I needed to be reminded to dream.. that reminder never came.. and the dreams I had, the dreams I should still be holding on to, the dreams that should be keeping me going.. are gone. The support I needed was never given. Now I sit here the shell of a person.

New Day....

I woke up today having my allergies kick my butt... I have been unable to stop sneezing. But, I woke feeling better mentally....

I had a long conversation with a friend and family member. And I no longer feel alone. She validated every feeling of loneliness I feel. Sometimes you want the support of family.. But they are unable or unwilling to give it. You want them to be their for you, again sometimes they are unable or unwilling. You want them to be what they are too you .... , When you get used to having a support person that you feel like you can go to at any time... and they are no longer their for you. It is hard not to feel alone. Like she said sometimes you feel like all those years you were first...When you were their for that person NO MATTER WHAT they were going through, or how they needed you...to bitch about who ever or what ever, cry, get angry, help them through illness and death, and when you are no longer treated like that in return, when you need them the most.

While yes it hurts, But the question is was it because we were spoiled? Spoiled to have unconditional love...at that time, during the time that they needed us?.... and now that love and support has conditions? I don't know. She doesn't know. But what we do know.... we have the generic conversation with these people that has no meaning.. that I am checking on you out of what I feel I should do, not that I want to really, from my heart know how you are. And I honestly from my heart want to know how things are for you. And how do we know this? Who picks up the phone? How long does the generic conversation lasts? Do you even know that we need you? Nope...

So we ended the conversation thanking each other for asking how are you? good? NO really how are you talk to me.... I care. Love you, m.t. Love you !!!! And Thank you for letting me wake up not knowing I am alone!!! HUGS!

October...Pregnancy and Infant loss Awareness Month

Thursday Oct 15 is National Pregnancy and Infant Awareness Day.. Please light a candle in remembrance of those who have been touched with this loss on this date.

Over the last 10 months I have been honored to have met and gotten to know the most strongest women in this World. The mommies of JM. These ladies have had multiple losses.. Some of their babies were born sleeping they got to hold their angles, name their angles, and say not good bye, but an I will see you again, so for now sleep sweetly my angel, while others like me only get to have the dream of their angel. We the early pregnancy loss angels.. will never know, in most cases, what our angel would have been pink or blue. What color hair, who's eyes she would have, Would he have his daddy's chin? No matter what, Our losses are all the same. We lost our babies. On one mommies "siggy"(siggy- is what we put on our posts.. it is our signature. Some people have pictures of their kids, angels, pets, and themselves) it says what I think all JM mommies that have been through a loss know... "You don't know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have". One of my favorites.. "How many losses can one woman endure... Our want for a baby out weighs the fears, that's how many we can endure" "You have to get through the rain, to enjoy the rainbow".. These are the sayings we live by, everyday.

As I sit here posting this.. I think of one of my closest JM mommy... (She is now a mommy to 3 angel babies) Going through her third loss... How can this be fair? It's not... It sucks... You know I am here for you my friend.